


Waiting to Forget a Dream

by beckling



Series: Mourning/Alone [2]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 04:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15404499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckling/pseuds/beckling
Summary: Farewells are farewells, but no one ever truly wants to say goodbye to a dream.





	Waiting to Forget a Dream

“I really did understand you.”  
  
The bird known as Hitori, the bird I thought was once my friend, muttered these words as my consciousness was slipping by into oblivion. He believed I couldn’t listen anymore, that I was already gone. But my senses were all sharpened, as I desperately clung to life. I wanted to stay alive, to see, to hear: I was too late, as always, but… what Hitori was saying - as the dollar bills from my wallet slid into his pockets, as he took my ID - those things, I could grasp very well.

“I really did understand you. That’s why I chose you.” He put his hands in his hair, looking at a corner of the room all of a sudden as if enraptured by the vision of something I could not see. “This is-- I was so horrible, but I had to! You told me to do this. Yes, Nageki… Yes, I’ll join you soon.” And with that, he left the apartment, without ever so slightly glancing at me.

My understanding was confused, so extremely confused, and soon all this scene was meaningless to me. I figured it was all just a dream. A dream, yes… A comfortable dream I could find peace in. How nice. How very nice it’d be to dream.

A true dream of happiness.  
  
An escape from reality. Was it possible? Not believing my only friend had betrayed me, not knowing my fate. Yes, that was all I wanted. My biggest desire, my biggest dream. So strong that it eventually gave birth to an egg. A rotten egg but at least one where I could be sheltered in.

Hitori hadn’t betrayed me, right? He was still my friend, deep down. Yes, I wanted that much, but… I couldn’t make myself believe it at all. That’s why I eventually forgot, pleasuring myself in other pretty visions, pretty illusions…  
  
Until _he_ came along.  
  
Nageki.  
  
Hitori’s love for Nageki was the reason why this had all happened.  
  
Why did it have to be like this, why? Why did Nageki exist? Why couldn’t it have been only _me_ and Hitori?

And…  
  
Why was I so sure _this_ wasn’t going to happen? Hitori had the indiscretion of telling me a few things about him. How Nageki had burned in that laboratory and how it was all his fault. He told me many times about his own failed suicide attempts, but how could I have ignored the blistering hatred in his eyes every time he talked about what had happened?  
  
Maybe it was a foreign concept to me, revenge. Up until my death, that is. That was why even with something as clear as that under my eyes, I preferred not seeing it. I preferred dreaming.  
  
Dreaming. That was all I was ever good for. And why was it that no one else could accept me for that? Why couldn’t everyone else dream the same thing as me? But in the end, even the shell of that infinite cocoon of safety had to be broken by the same people who’d created it.  
  
When I saw Hitori again, he was blinded.  
  
I knew everyone’s psyche, everyone’s hidden, most obscure thoughts - and it hurt me more when they fought against me.  
  
But when I finally saw inside Hitori, I was more than enraged.  
  
Because his betrayal hadn’t been merely a betrayal. Now I knew with certainty that it was also something else. So true, so _real_ and intense that not even my fantasy could do anything about it. Therefore, I concentrated my utmost forces to suppress the very source of it - I had to make Hitori fall into a deep, deep sleep, one that would annihilate his memories and personality once and for all. He wasn't going to be allowed to dream at all. He didn't deserve any of that.  
  
His memories all too much reminded me of how dearly I’d loved him, and how he really _did_ understand me, and how _that_ still wasn’t enough to love me the same way I did.  
  
Nageki… Nageki was always a step higher up than me.  
  
How could I accept that?  
  
But then, when I’d been finally defeated by everyone, he’d told me.  
  
Why he’d killed me. Why he was blinded. Why he was nobody. Why he couldn’t erase his sins, his memories, much like I couldn’t - even if we both wanted to. I couldn't have seen or expected that, because I, too, was blinded with rage when I first saw him inside my realm. I couldn't accept that this was the truth. I hated him too much.  
  
Much like I had absorbed all those people, he’d absorbed me, in his life. I continued to live on with him, apparently. He’d chose me because he could easily imitate every aspect of me, easily _understand_ me _._ This he told me, as we spoke in our thoughts, and no one else could hear us.

I finally let go. Even if it was hard, even if I was still angry, and could not completely understand yet; hearing him say those things made it one step closer to possible to let go.  
  
“You and I really are alike. That’s why I chose you, Kazuaki.”  
  
“I know that. You said it right before I died.”  
  
“Then you must also know--”  
  
“Who you did it for. Yes, I do.”  
  
“That’s right… that’s right. I never thanked you, in the end. I never apologized. I’m truly sorry. I am. But you don’t have to worry… soon, I’ll join you, too.”  
  
“Does that mean you too will let go of things, die and forget…?”  
  
“Perhaps... if that’s what Nageki wants. But if you really understood why I chose you, then you must already know that people like us don’t let go so easily.”  
  
“...That’s right. I still don’t want to completely let go of my dream.”  
  
“Likewise, I can’t let go of my desire for revenge just yet.”  
  
“Maybe you’ll live on to fulfill that. But if I were to make a wish, I’d hope you make a better use of my life instead.”

“I... I guess I hope for that, too.” Hitori’s reply was unsure, almost directed at himself. That’s when I got courageous and asked him one last question.  
  
“Hey, Hitori… was Nageki your  _dream?_ ”  
  
“...”  
  
Hitori stayed silent, eluding the matter. Eventually, he said something else.  
  
“I knew you loved me, Kazuaki…” I heard my heart flutter and my eyes widen when I heard that. “...I knew that because you resembled me so well. You almost reminded me of myself towards Nageki. But... that’s also why I needed you to hate me, to want to forget all about me, after I’d done something so terrible to you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… one day, I’ll pay up for everything I’ve done to you.”  
  
"Maybe I understand. But there’s no need to apologize now. Even if you’ve done better things with my life than I could have ever done, my life is gone forever now, I am gone forever… I was nothing, so there was nothing to steal in the first place. Still... what I was isn’t something you should feel obliged to. I think… you should just live on as yourself from now on. Maybe… just _remember_ me. That’s all I can ask for in the end.”  
  
“I-- I guess I will. Thank you, Kazuaki. I promise I will.” He sounded deeply surprised. Honestly, I was, too, at my own words. He could not see me, but he wandered about, searching for me. “This... must be our farewell, Kazuaki Nanaki. I’m glad we had a proper one. Though I’m sure… someday we'll meet again.”  
  
“I suppose it is. Farewell.”  
  
And with that, we departed. We were both headed towards unknown destinations, but even if I was scared of forgetting, I’d accepted it somewhere in my heart, because Hitori was going to remember me, he wasn’t going to forget just yet, as long as he had a mission, I'd stay somewhere in his head.  
  
And just like we’d separated in the real world, so we did in the netherworld, but with what in a fairy tale would be called a happy ending.  
  
But this time, I knew I wasn’t making things up. Hitori had betrayed me, yes - but not the same way I thought he had. He still remembered me, and didn’t hate me. I wanted to know that from him, at least. And maybe that was what I was waiting for in that town of mine, on that chair in front of the light that painted such beautiful yet fake colors… I waited for someone - Hitori - to show up and tell me I could stop dreaming."  
  
I always knew it in my heart, though I angrily kept it at bay - being the feisty King I was. I always knew he understood me and that there was more to him than his betrayal to me.  
  
“I really did understand you, Hitori.”  
  
Finally, I could say that, too.


End file.
